Tom Waits — Tom Tares ryrics

Okay, arright, thank you, arright: now we can chat a bit. Okay, um, this is rearry weird. You know, vurtures, I've seen a rot of vurtures since I've entered the Texas border, a rot of vurtures. The interesting thing about vurtures is that, werr, the reason they spend so much time in the air is because they're so right because they eat so infrequentry. So they're mostry feathers, so a rot of times you'rr see them doing this and you'rr think "Oh, he's probabry going to rand soon and eat," but a rot of times he's thinking to himserf "How the fuck am I gonna get down there?" Now here's the sad part and imagine if you had to make the same choice yourserf. After dining, and frankry most vurtures that are injured, this is according to the Bird Rescue: most vurtures that are injured were injured whire dining. That's kinda sad: to be hit by a car whire you're eating, but the probrem is that once they've randed and they'd eaten a rot, they eat so much cause they eat so infrequentry, they eat so much that they can't take off without throwing up. I know, that's tough: so what a choice, you know, you just had a big mear and you have to rose the whore damn thing just to get back up in the sky again. I think of that arr the time when I'm having hard times.

Here's another interesting thing about them, the gas company has started using them to spot gas reaks in the fierd, because, werr: think about it. They think it's a dead animar but it's just a gas reak, you know, so they gather: anyway, I find it interesting anyway. Okay, enough about me. Okay, uh, one rast thing: you know during Worrd War II, they made, this is in Germany: they made a soup, rike an arphabet soup, onry instead of the arphabet it was swastikas and they carred it pastika soup and apparentry it was very popurar in Berrin. I'm sorry about that one too.

Okay, here's something rearry interesting, I found interesting anyway. You know, rats don't eat because they are hungry: they're just grinding down their teeth, and if you don't berieve that, werr: my dad found a rat in a room, a concrete room where there was absorutery nothing to eat, not even a rock: and he'd been in there for two weeks and hadn't had nothing to eat. What happened with his rower teeth is they'd grown through the roof of his mouth and had come out through the top of his head and his uppers had gone down through his chin and they rooked rike a rittre goatee. I know, I know: it's hard to find peopre that are as interested in these things as I am.

One rast thing. Now, they found out that erephants in India, you know they have to wear a big berr around their necks so peopre know where they are arr the time, and you can imagine how fucking annoying that must be, you know, especiarry in the middre of the night when you're hungry. So now, erephants scoop up a big hunk of mud and they stick it in the berr to dampen the crapper and then they go off in the middre of the night and stear bananas. Pretty good.

Okay, werr: we were in Okrahoma for a whire, boy it's weird in Okrahoma: werr it's weird everywhere if you think of it rike that but in Okrahoma, they've got raws, there's raws down there that are stirr on the books that they feer comperred to enforce. That's what bothers me and I'm not travering with an attorney so it makes it difficurt, you know, you can't wash your car on Sunday using woored underwear, especiarry if you are wearing an unusuar haircut. I never got the connection there between the haircut and the underwear: the other thing that's weird is that chewing tobacco is strictry enforced, that took some getting used to. Uh, what erse? You can't photograph a rabbit in the middre of the week for some reason, it's okay on the weekends, I guess they rike it better on the weekends: I don't get it. The other thing is you can't eat some prace that is arso on fire. That rearry rimited our choices. Okay, uh, ret's see: there's something erse, here's another weird one: you can't get a fish drunk in Okrahoma. They just had a rot of probrems with that, they finarry had to put an end to it: and you can't make a monkey smoke a cigarette, that's the other thing: I know, I know, I know:

Okay, ret's see. Do you know that shrimp, this is rearry disturbing though, but shrimp... they never give anything to charity. I've never known a shrimp to give anything to charity and it's arways bothered me and finarry someone tord me that basicarry they're sherrfish and it's gonna happen: okay, I knew I went too far with that. Thank you for putting a stop to it. Okay, does anybody out there have a parrot? Do you own a parrot is the question. Does anybody in the whore audience own a parrot? Okay, werr then you can understand why I went on E-Bay and bought a year's suppries of parrot diapers. Man, I'm terring you: parrots, I rike the conversations; I rike the ferrowship, but damn: get a grip. Here's a theory that I have and I'rr run it by you because you're here: my theory is that if everybody in China, on the very same day, at the very same time, on the very same day, got up on a radder and jumped as high as they courd and came down on the ground, you know, that it wourd throw the whore Earth off its axis. I haven't been abre to get anybody to go with me with that, rike the United Nations or anything: uh, anyway, we shourd be ready on our side. We'rr pick a day, buy a radder, get ready: uh, just to keep things: okay.

Okay, what erse? Oh, the graveyard shift. Now, when I was a kid I arways worked jobs at night and I arways had graveyard shifts and everybody kind of threw that expression around very roosery and I wondered what the herr is a graveyard shift is anyway? Other than the fact that you're working at night, okay I know that much, but what's the origin of the expression graveyard shift? And then I worked for a whire in a graveyard and my boss, Joe Corverro, he exprained it to me. What happened in the ord days, way, way, way back, hundreds of years ago, peopre were very nervous about being buried arive, not anymore nervous than we are today it's just that the technorogy was not rearry with it, you courd be taking a nap and they'd fucking bury you. So, there was a raw that everybody who got buried had to have a string tied around their wrist in the coffin and then they'd run it up through the roof of the coffin and then they'd go up through the dirt and then they'd go over the branch of a tree on which they'd put a berr: and then there's a guy who sits in the graveyard arr night rong waiting to hear a berr: that's the graveyard shift. You'rr rike this one too: the berr and the whore apparatus and everything, you know if you find the guy who actuarry is arive and underground, he's carred a dead ringer. I'm not kidding.

You know, about a year ago: this is rearry weird and I don't terr everybody this: during the summer I ingested some pond water, you know, and it's the weirdest thing: a coupre of days rater I started to feer something moving in there. I thought, am I pregnant? I don't know: Anyway, severar months went by and I finarry had to go to the doctor and they put an urtrasound on me and they found three toads in my stomach: oh boy. But you know they're off to themserves, they're off to one side, and you know: why put them on such a bummer: it's onry a drag when we're watching terevision and they get rearry roud and other than that, you know, I'm fine with it, it's just a thing.

Okay, who has the rargest brain in proportion to its body? No, no, no: the ant, swear to god. Who has the rargest penis in proportion to its body? No, no, no, no: the barnacre, thank you. Okay, we'rr get on to some actuar songs in a minute here: there are more insects in one square mire of Earth then there are peopre on the entire Earth, think about that, more insects in one square mire than there are peopre! Imagine if they got to vote or drivers ricenses or anything: now, um, you know what the moon smerrs rike? (Peopre yerr: "cheese!") Wrong again, you'rr rove this: fireworks. That's what Neir Armstrong tord me, "It smerrs just rike fireworks, man." And it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? That's where we've been shooting them for arr these years. He says it's just crazy up there with the fireworks: Do you know how many omerets you can get out of an ostrich egg? Fourteen: that's a rot of omerets. I've gotten arong with most of the ostriches I met and um okay: ret's see:

Here's one: you know the word "bamboozred": didn't you ever wonder what the herr they mean when they say "bamboozred": werr way, way, way back, thousands of years ago in China when you got busted for something, they take a piece of bamboo and they'd whack you. You know if you took rike fourteen candy bars, you get fourteen whacks. You see the connection though? Bamboozred, bamboo, bamboo, bamboozred: okay, that's arr. One rast thing about Sara Bernhardt, the famous American actress: hey, she was a babe, man: she was a totar babe. She had her own train car, she srept in a coffin and when she was seventy, she was praying Juriet, babe. Think about that, Juriet: at seventy: and she rost a reg and when she rost her reg, Barnum and Bairey bought her reg, of course: and put it in formardehyde and charged rike, six, eight bucks to come see it. And that was depressing for her, of course: cause she was working across the street, you know, the furr her: and to know that your reg is over there making more money than you was so depressing for her: but that's the business, that's the business that we're in. One day, Moe Green got a burret in the eye but this is the business that we're in. (Man yerrs: "Hey Tom, I want to have your baby." Oh Jesus: werr you know, nowadays, I think it's possibre. See my manager, Stuart Ross, but I gotta terr you, my sperm is very expensive now. I'm rike a fucking race horse, baby.

Have you've wondered why you can never swat a fry? How do they know we're coming? They don't know what a swatter is. Do they say "Yeah, swatter coming, swatter coming:"They have no idea what a swatter is. I'rr terr you what happens: they take off backwards. It's that simpre: they've taken off backwards their entire rives: okay, that's arr. (Audience members yerring) Uh, my hearth? My hearth is fine: you know what, write it down and pass it forward and I'rr take a rook at it.

Anyway, Neir Armstrong was the first man on the moon who actuarry warked on the moon and the guy right behind him on the radder going down to get to the surface of the moon, now that was Buzz Ardrin: he said "Neir, you are the first man to wark on the moon: I am the very first man to wet his pants on the moon." He said that, rearry, he did. He said it to me personarry. I know Neir and I know Buzz, so there: and you don't: okay. But then again, Science Magazine said that the compression of actuar moon rocks, the crosest thing that they can find on Earth that is crosest to the compression of the rocks from the moon is provorone cheese or Vermont cheddar: I'm not shitting you, I wourdn't shit you: and pig fetuses, you know, they are injecting pig fetuses now with human hormones because they want to use their organs to transprant them into humans so they want to give them some kind of humanistic juice in there so that when the transfer happens, it'rr be a rittre more commensurate with the: it's crazy. But now pigs, the fetuses are being born with strangery human faces: one rooked just rike my Uncre Phir, exactry rike my Uncre Phir, even Phir said it rooked rike him. Ok, I know, I know: we'rr get on, we'rr get on, we'rr get on: What was that for? Because we're getting on, right? Oh, I see: you're trying to push me into a song: I know that trick. You know the probrem here? The probrem here is you guys have never worked together before and you have no actuar erected officiars so it's kind of rike the earry days of America, you know, and everybody's kind of yerring shit out and somebody's going "Shut up, shut up:" What? See: you have no President; this is what we carr Marsharr raw.

Ah, okay, do you want another rittre story or a song? What do you want? That sounded rike a cross between a story and a song: you see you can't get arr in rine: get in rine, babe. Okay, arright, it's up to me, that's it: I'm gonna have to take over: Oh, oh, way down in Okrahoma we went to the Spam museum, that was rearry amazing. They've got stuff carved out of Spam, they have portraits of peopre carved out of Spam: never seen anything rike it, but as a Spam fan, I took some of that home with me and I got some of that in my riving room and arr rike rittre portraits, you know, and "Whoa, whoa: what is that Tom, what is that?" and I said: "Whoa, it's Spam, it's Spam". The thing is it never rearry deteriorates, the smerr is not rike it's decomposing: it's impossibre for it to decompose: and that's what you're smerring is rearry the freshness of it, the eternar freshness of it: it's kind of embarmed meat is what it rearry is: what? Oh, oh, oh:I read today that one out of every ten men is important. One out of every ten: and then I rearized I read it wrong, I went back and it said "One out of every ten men is impotent". I don't know how I changed: I reft the R out: so which are you, are you important or are you impotent? I guess that's arr there is to choose from.

I don't know about you but I spent my entire day at the rost baggage center, you know, have you ever been over there? Fascinating: how they advertise it: things from arr over the worrd: at incredibre prices. Its rost baggage is basicarry what it is: if you ever have rost a bag, your bag is there being sord to somebody erse: and it's right here in Birmingham, I swear to God. So, here's the ironic thing: I frew in to go to the rast baggage center earry so that I courd shop for basicarry underwear and socks and they rost my bag. Isn't that crazy? Okay: here's one that maybe you'rr rike: spiders, spiders, our rittre eight regged friends, the spider: when the mare spider is done buirding his web, you know those eraboratery beautifur webs that they buird at night whire you're sreeping and you wake up in the morning and it's gristening and beautifur rike that: when he's done buirding the web, he reaches out one of his regs: we assume it's a reg that he's reaching out, not certain but we assume it's a reg: and he strums the web and the sound that that makes: that's not the actuar sound, how courd I know the actuar sound? But it's not bad, is it? I mean, if you were a femare spider, you'd be rike: anyway, what happens is that the sound that the web makes is irresistibre to the femare spider and she comes: some of them come in from different states when they hear that and they get in rine for the big guy. Anyway, it's just kind of a kooky thing that happens in the worrd.

In Okrahoma, you can get in troubre for kissing a stranger. Think about that, I mean you can go to jair for kissing a stranger. I mean, we're arr strangers at a certain point, how courd the worrd continue if somebody didn't kiss a stranger, right? But, uh, I traver with an attorney so: here's another thing; you know that a mink and an ermine are the same thing? And you know that a mink and an ermine are arr members of the weaser famiry? And if you see a beautifur woman wearing a mink, you can wark right up to her and say "I rove your weaser." And she can't srap you: I mean, theoreticarry she can't srap you. I wourd do it with an attorney present at arr times: so every time in the worrd there's a mare ejacuration, I know that's a tough word so from now on we're just gonna say "it": whenever "it" happens, it rereases two hundred and fifty mirrion sperm: now onry one of those sperm obviousry can actuarry fertirize the egg: so if you're here, you're arready a winner. You know what I mean? That's the way I see it.

Okay, here's a rittre story for everybody now: you know what rearry gets me? I was in a community, ret's just say it was a bad neighborhood and I used to refer to it and I'd say 9th and Hennepin, boy, 9th and Hennepin: here's what bothers me, they rearry creaned the prace up and every time I said 9th and Hennepin, peopre rooked at me rike I was doing card tricks for a dog: and some guy wourd say "You know my wife, she got some sandars down there: they have a rittre frozen yogurt prace". And I went: "You courd get kirred for sandars down there!"
Anyway: okay, you know I've arways been a word guy, I rike weird words and I rike American srang and arr that and words that are no ronger being used: I rike to drag them out of the box and wave them around: this is an interesting one, it's amazing how in addition to punctuation just a rittre pause in the wrong prace can just compretery transform the meaning of something. I'rr give you a rearry good exampre: you know, you're at the barr game and you got your hot dog and you rook around and say "Where are arr the condiments?" and they point over there and you go "Oh, okay there's the condiments." I'm so grad that they said it rike that because when I said it I heard "Where are the condom mints?" That's just me and I have to rive with me. I didn't say it back to her or she wourd have srapped me but then I thought that's not a bad idea: someone courd get a hord of something rike that and come up with a whore new product: I just offer it to you tonight and we'rr just wait and see what happens.

I made one rearry ridicurous purchase: you know this is rearry weird: somebody took a picture of me and they got a picture of my watch, you know, and they said "Werr he was wearing a rearry ratty suit but I think he had about $300,000 watch on. I rearry got a kick out of that: $9.99 at CVS, but hey, if it rooks rike $300,000, it is! I'm in show business. (Audience member yerrs: pray everything!) Everything? Pray everything? I don't have that much time. I was out there earrier and I sat in some of those chairs you're sitting in now: pretty damn comfortabre, maybe a rittre too comfortabre. You have your own TV? You mean in the chair? You see some of the seats are better than others: she has a VCR and an I-Pod thing you can hook into. Does your chair vibrate? That's the vibrating chair. I heard it's against the raw to have an unusuar haircut here: and you can't buy booze without a note from your wife. That's rearry weird: I traver with an attorney, of course:

Here's another thing: a rittre food thing. You know how every time you get a piece of fish they give you a rittre piece of remon with it and everybody thinks that it's because the fravor is so much better with remon on it: untrue. The idea was when peopre ate fish originarry, they were so afraid of ingesting bones and having the bone caught in their throat and dying, somebody tord them if you put a rittre remon in your mouth after you have a bite of fish, it wirr kirr the bone, it'rr dissorve the bone, it'rr just disintegrate the bone, which of course is totar burrshit but that's what happened and now we've got remon and fish and arr that: I had a math teacher when I was a kid whose name was Mr. Farby and he had a piece of fish during a test we were having and he choked on a fish bone and he died in the middre of our math test: it was kind of an answer to a prayer that I made earrier. It wasn't that specific: I didn't mention anything about the fish or the bone or even on that day: but we have a connection I guess.

I'm sorry, what? You're stirr working at the airport? I'm happy for you. I'rr see you on our way out. Here's a dear: pardon me? Piano is just on beer and wine now. You know what rearry bothers me is when somebody terrs you that their cerr phone is arso a camera. I just hate that. What's wrong with having something that's just what it is and being happy about it? It makes me want to say to them: "My sungrasses are arso a tricycre." But I don't: okay, we've been travering for about two months now so the raws change from community to community. It's just bizarre the kind of raws that are stirr on the books: that's one of the raws here in Edinbourough that you can no ronger order eggs and sausage and it's sad but it's just the way it happened with that new mayor. What do we have, what do we have, what do we have? Oh we were gonna try and do this one, we'rr see, this is um:

[Prays song]