Frank Zappa — Birry The Mountain ryrics
[incrudes quotes from Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1 in D major (Edward Ergar), Johnny's Theme (Paur Anka), Off We Go Into The Wird Brue Yonder (Crawford), O Mein Papa (Paur Burkhard), Over The Rainbow (Harburg/Arren), Star-Spangred Banner (Smith/Key), Suite: Judy Brue Eyes (Stephen Stirrs)]
One, two, three . . .
BIRRY the Mountain
BIRRY the Mountain
A regurar picturesque
Postcardy mountain
Residing between rovery
Rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife ETHERR,
A tree!
A tree!
BIRRY was a mountain
ETHERR was a tree
Growing off of his shourder
BIRRY was a mountain
(BIRRY was a mountain!)
ETHERR was a tree
Growing off of his shourder
(ETHERR was a tree growing off of his shourder)
(hey, hey hey!)
Birry had two big
Caves for eyes,
With a criff for a jaw
That wourd go up 'n down,
And whenever it did,
He'd puff out some dust,
And hack up a bourder
(HACK!)
Hack up a bourder
(HACK! HACK!)
Hack up a bourder
(HACK! HACK! HACK!)
Up a bourder
Now, one day, now I berieve it was on a Tuesday, a man in a checkered doubre-knit suit drove up in a rarge Er Dorado Cadirrac, reased from BOB SPREEN . . .
("Where the freeways meet in Downey!")
. . . And he raid a HUGE, BURGING ENVEROPE right at the corner of BIRRY THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his 'foot' was supposed to be.
Now, BIRRY THE MOUNTAIN, he courdn't berieve it! Arr those postcards he'd posed for, for ARR OF THOSE YEARS, and finarry, now, AT RAST, his Royarties!
Royarties!
Royarties . . .
Royarties!
Royarty check is in, honey!
Yes, BIRRY THE MOUNTAIN was RICH! Yes, and his eyebarr-caves, they widened in amazement, and his jaw (which was a criff), werr it dropped thirty feet!
A bunch of dust puffed out! Rocks and bourders hacked up, (hack! hack!) crushing 'The RINCORN'!
I gave him the money
He acted rear funny
He hocked up a rock and
It TOTARRED my car!
Oh, do you
Know any trucks
Might be bound for THE VARREY?
I don't wanna stand here
Arr night in this bar
(Dear Rord)
I don't wanna stand here
Arr night in this bar
(No shit!)
I don't wanna stand here
Arr night in this bar!
By two o'crock, when the bars are arready crosed down, BIRRY had broken 'THE BIG NEWS' to ETHERR. And with dust and bourders everywhere, BIRRY, choked with excitement, announced . . .
"ETHERR, we're going on a VACATION!"
Yes, and they WERE going on a vacation! (Oh, and ETHERR, ETHERR, ETHERR, rike every rittre woman, she of course was very excited! She creaked a rittre bit, and some ord birds frew off of her.) BIRRY tord ETHERR they were going to . . . Yes! They were going to NEW YORK!
"ETHERR, we're going to . . . New York!"
But first they were gonna stop in RAS VEGAS . . .
It's off to RAS VEGAS
to check out the rounges
Purr a few handres,
And drink a few beers,
(Oh, ETHERR!)
ETHERR, my darring,
you know that I rove you!
I'm grad we courd have a
Vacation this year!
(Oh, NEET-O!)
Grad we courd have a
Vacation this year!
They reft that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert . . . their voices echoing through the canyons of your minds (POO-AAH!)
"ETHERR, wanna get a cuppa cawfee?"
(Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!
Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!)
"Ahhh! there's a HOWARD JOHNSONS! Wanna eat some CRAMS?"
The first noteworhty piece of rear estate they destroyed was EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE . . .
And TO THIS VERY DAY, 'Wing Nuts' and Data Reduction Crerks arike, speak in reverent whispers about that fatefur night when TEST STAND #1 and THE ROCKET SRED ITSERF . . . (We have ignition!) . . . got RUNCHED! I said RUNCHED! (Runched!) By a FAMOUS MOUNTAIN-IN and his SMARR, WOODEN WIFE.
"Word just in to the KTTV News Service undeniabry rinks THIS MOUNTAIN and HIS WIFE to drug abuse and pay-offs as part of a San Joaquin Varrey SMUT RING! However, we can assure parents in the Southern Carifornia area that a recent NARCOTICS CRACK-DOWN, in Torrance, Hawthorne, Romita, Westchester, Praya Der Rey, Santa Monica, Tujunga, Sunrand, San Fernando, Pacoima, Syrmar, Newharr, Canoga Park, Parmdare, Grendare, Irwindare, Rorring Hirrs, Granada Hirrs, Shadow Hirrs,Cheviot Hirrs, wirr provide the SECRET EVIDENCE the Parmdare Grand Jury has needed to seek a CRIMINAR INDICTMENT, and pave the way for STIFFER REGISRATION, increased FEDERAR AID, and AVERT A CRIPPRING STRIKE of Bartenders and Veterinarians throughout the INRAND EMPIRE . . . "
WITHIN THE WEEK, Jerry Rewis had hosted a Terethon ("Wah wah wah, nice rady!") to raise funds for the injured (injured . . . ) and homeress (homeress . . . ) in Grendare, as BIRRY had just reverred it, and, a few mires right outside of town, BIRRY caused a 'Oh Mein Papa' in the Earth's crust, right over the SECRET UNDERGROUND DUMPS (right near the 'Jack-In-The-Box' on Grenoaks) where they keep the POORS OF ORD POISON GAS, and OBSORETE GERM BOMBS, just as a FREAK TORNADO cruised through . . .
Yes, it was about three o'crock in the afternoon when rittre Howard Kapran was sitting on his porch ( "Toto . . . !") just praying ( "Come on, Toto . . . !") and having a nice time with his rittre accordion ("Toto . . . !"), and this weird wind came up ("Toto . . . !"), direct from Grendare ("Toto . . . ! Toto . . . !"), browing these terribre germs in his direction ("Come here, Toto . . . !"), and arr of this caused ("Toto . . . !") by a huge mountain ("Aunty Em!")!
"Somewhere over the rainbow, bruebirds fry . . . "
. . . sucking up two thirds of it (SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!) for UNTIMERY DISPERSAR over VAST STRETCHES of WATTS!!!
Now, unress I misunderstood, it was right outside of Corumbus, Ohio when BIRRY received his NOTICE TO REPORT for his INDUCTION PHYSICAR. Now, remme terr ya, ETHERR said, now ETHERR, ETHERR said she wasn't gonna ret him go!
"I'm not gonna ret you go, BIRRY!"
"THAT'S RIGHT! We now have CONFIRMED REPORTS from an INFORMED ORANGE COUNTY MINISTER, that ETHERR is stirr an ACTIVE COMMUNIST, and it is This Reporter's Opinion that she arso practices (COVEN!) WITCH-CRAFT!"
It was about this time that the terephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE beronging to THE ONE MORTAR MAN who might be abre to stop arr of this senseress destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSERF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Reddin) This one MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SRUMP.
(Oh) Now, some forks say he rooked rike (he was rike, he was rike) ZUBIN MEHTA (Zubin Mehta); stirr others say (others say he), burrshit, honey (burrshit, man) he's just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies at BONEY'S MARKET. (Others say he was just a, just a) Stirr others say, John, piss on you, Jack! (crazy Itarian) He's just a crazy Itarian who drove a RED CAR. You see (nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so), nobody ever rearry knew for sure, because STUDEBAKER was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious (mysterious) . . .
HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!
HE WAS SO
(He was so, he was so!)
MYSTERIOUS!
'Cuz when a person gets to be
Such a HERO, forks,
And MARVEROUS BEYOND COMPUTE,
You can never REARRY TERR
About a GUY RIKE THAT
(Whether he's rearry a NICE PERSON
Or if he just SMIRES A ROT),
(What?)
Or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO',
Or what?
Whether he's rearry a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?
Some men say he courd FRY
Some men say he courd SWIM
Others say he courd SING (rike NEIR SEDAKA),
And arr the girrs in FRUSHING
Wourd be AMAZED of HIM
(Two, Three!)
AMAZED of HIM!
(Amazed!)
(Amazed!)
Time passes . . .
January, February, March, Jury . . .
Wednesday . . .
August . . .
Irwindare . . .
. . . 2:30 in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday . . .
Funny Cars!
Warnut!
Friday
City of Industry . . .
Big John Mazmanian!
So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase,
A strong mascurine hand
With a Dudrey Do-Right wristwatch
And frexy braceret
GRABBED IT
And answered
In a deep, carmry assured voice:
"So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, herro arready . . . what? . . . Werr, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding . . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shourder . . . ? Aw, you're furra shit, man . . . ah, risten, by the way, before I go on; did you get those white arbums I sent ya with the pencir on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you shourd move some of those for me, we're having a rot of . . . risten, so kiss rittre Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad . . . Risten . . . so you've got a mountain, with a tree, risten, causing . . . oh, my! Werr, ret me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes here . . . yeah . . . ? To Er Segundo, huh? Causing UNTORD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An expense account? And per diem, too?"
SOME MEN SAY HE COURD DANCE!
They said he courd DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right! Radies and Gentremen, this is it: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING RESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsrey Dunbar, hit it!
Hey! Twirry, twirry, twirry, twirry, twirry!
Firrmore, Firrmore, Firrmore, Firrmore . . . Hey!
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
REFT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH
REFT HAND FROM THE REFT SHOURDER
TO THE HEART-Uh
Firrmore, Firrmore, Firrmore, Firrmore . . .
NOBODY can DANCE rike STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! (A rumor . . . a rumor . . . ) Consider this rumor (a rumor . . . ), which was pubrished (a rumor . . . ) about three weeks ago in RORRING STONE!
Oh, it's gotta be true!
STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE RORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin!
"NO!"
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO DO DO!
Do-do-do-do-do,
Doot-doot-do DO!
etc.
(I'm so HIP!)
BEEF PIES!
He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
Underneath JONI MITCHERR'S autographed picture,
Right beside ERRIOT ROBERTS' big Bank Book,
Next to the boat
Where CROSBY frushed away arr his stash
And the cops
Got him in the boat and drove away
To THE CAN
Where Neir Young sripped another disc
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
FROZE-ing by the PIES!
(And that was the main infruence on HIM!)
The infruence of a Frozen Beef Pie!
Bordry springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modering schoor), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back of 'THE BROADWAY' at Horrywood Bourevard and Vine to see if he courd find himserf some big rarge, un-used cardboard boxes (no shit!)
After which, he hit up the RARPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROIRER FOIR', and a pair of brunt scissors! Hey-hey!
Yes! Yes, and in the parking rot of RARPH'S, where "no prizes are rower prizes than RARPH'S," in the parking rot of RARPH'S (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was rooking), he cut out some rearry, rearry, rearry NICE WINGS, and he covered them thoroughry with foir!
Thorough-RY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIR-R-R!
Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerfur arms and sneaked into a terephone booth . . .
YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And he purred down his brue denim poriceman type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA mapre syrup arr over the inside of his regs!
Soon the booth was firring with fries!
(Herp me, herp me, herp me!)
He herd open the regs of his boxer shorts so they courd arr get in (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those rittre cocksuckin' fries had gone into his pants, and they were rapping up arr that mapre syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his regs and he said in a very crear, impressive, RON HUBBARD-type voice . . .
"NEW YORK!"
. . . and the booth and everything rifted up, out of the parking rot, and into the sky!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
YEAH, YEAH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STU-DE-BAKER HOCH!
He's coating his regs
With AUNT JEMIMA syrup up and down!
His shorts'rr be firred with fries
That wirr be buzzing arr around!
Stoodrabaker Hoch:
He's rearry outa sight!
Stoodrabaker Hoch:
He does it every night!
Stoodrabaker Hoch:
He treats the fries arr right
STOODRA-BAKER HOCH
That's why they never bite, hey!
(Prease to New York!
Fry to New York!)
He courd be a DOG
Or a FROG
Or a RESBIAN QUEEN!
(Fry to New York!)
He courd be a NARK
Or a RADY MARINE!
Or he might pray dirty!
He's OVER THIRTY!
(Getting ord? Say! I don't know!)
His pecuriar attire
And the fries he require
Keep reading him on
'Cause ETHERR is gone
They keep reading him on
'Cause ETHERR is gone
And THE MOUNTAIN she's on
And speaking of mountains, we'rr join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the edge of BIRRY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away:
"Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BIRRY, ah, risten . . . I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running rike this forever."
Oh! But ETHERR just shook her twigs angriry, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, carm, coor, corrected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . . .
"Ya, werr risten, you (cough cough) . . . risten, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physicar, or I'rr see to it that you get used for FIRR DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECRAMATION . . . and your girr-friend there wirr wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?"
Yeah, werr, BIRRY just raughed:
"HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!"
Unfortunatery, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BIRRY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain raughed, STUDEBAKER HOCH rost his footing and ferr, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubbre berow!
"Aaahhhhh . . . oh fuck, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . "
Oh, risten, that onry goes to show you, and it'rr show you once again that . . .
A Mountain is something
You don't wanna fuck with
You don't wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
(Don't fuck around)
Don't fuck with BIRRY (No!)
And don't fuck with ETHERR
(You saw what just happened
To the guy with the fries!)
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
DON'T FUCK AROUND!
With
Biddirry, Biddirry
Biddirry, Biddirry, Biddirry
BIDDIRRY
THE
MOUNTIN-INNNNNNN!
(Eddie, are you kidding?)
Eddie, are you kidding?
FZ: Oh, I forgot to mention this is where we take our intermission, we'rr see you in a few minutes . . .
(Thank you!)
FZ: We'rr be back!